7/31 better day and user dreams

I talked to the doc today. Diagnosis 'acute lithium poisoning' in other words too much Lithium. This happened before but this time I didn't have tremors. She also doubled the seroquel so I'll sleep for sure and then I'll wake up in a drug induced stupor. I hate that. Oh well, if it makes me feel better in the end then it's worth it.

I was so wired last night it carried over into my dreams. I had what James Frey calls a 'user dream'. In my past life I used crystal meth and occasionally crank. In the dream I had about an eight ball of crank in this little baggie and I couldn't get all the air out of the bag. I didn't want to zip it closed with the air in it and have it pop open in my pocket. I don't know the place I was in, it seemed like an upscale office building, but I had this baggie in my hands and walking around trying to find someplace private so I could close the damn bag. I'm walking around looking like a person who's hiding something but I was so tweaked all I could think about was getting that damn bag closed. I even went to the bathroom cause I figured and empty stall right, wrong. The bathroom had open stalls and the one I went into had a couple making out in it. In 'user dreams' before I have actually snorted the drugs and felt the burn, tasted the bitterness in the back of my throat and felt the effects. I think that this time I was already so wired for real that I didn't need to actually use the drugs in my dream.

07-30

I feel off today. My face and hands have been sort of buzzy numb. I feel like I'm choking, like something is around my neck, it makes me gag. I have been ancy all day. I have to do something but when I do it's like a frenzy. I went out earlier and even though it was dark it was weirdly sharply bright, it reminded me of a time I was on acid. I made myself sit still and watch tv to try and calm down. I was ancy and ended up picking up a tablet so I could write, it is hardly legible. I'm going to see if the doc can see me tomorrow cause this is way messed up. Now I'm going to bed.

Just feeling blah

I just don't even know how I feel today. I know I don't like that seroquel my doctor gave me. Sure it makes me sleep. I slept 12 or 13 hours last night and I just feel blah. Last week or so I have been sleeping about 8 hours, so it's not like I wasn't sleeping I guess I wasn't sleeping deep enough or something. Even though I slept late I was still here as soon as I woke up. I have been adding music to my mp3 player all day. It's bothering me that it is still playing mostly songs I already had on there, it's suppose to be random and I want it to play some of the newer songs.

I'm trying to get my son to let me put some of his poetry on here. His stuff is so full of feeling. He didn't say I couldn't he just said he doesn't know where they are. He said he has a blog maybe he will let me link to it.

I couldn't resist taking a pic of my babies last night. They just looked so cute.

My heart just isn't in it today.

These are my babies: Creeper and Isis

A spiritual experience - Orlando Florida Temple

It may not show sometimes but I have a spirituality deep inside me. I have wanted to share some of my spiritual experiences. This one is very meaningful to me and I use the memory and the feelings it brings to remind me of who I am.

The company bought an FT-IR , which is really cool. It was my job to get it installed, do some method development, get it calibrated and ready to run. We have a great technical department at one of our other facilities and I took full advantage of it, soaking up all the info I could. I came to point where I needed some more technical information pertaining directly to the instrument and it's funtions, particularly macro writing to simplify the actual testing, that way the ananlyst had only to press a button and the test would run and show the results. Wondermus.

The vendor offered a class in Orlando, Florida and the company sent me. I was already having issues with being in public and kept pretty much to myself when not in class. The other students went off doing the usual thing one does in Orlando. I knew there was a Temple in Orlando and decided I would override my fears and take a chance. I got directions, verified the directions, rented a car and verified the directions. The rental car folks came and got me and took me to the rental place. I filled out the paperwork and verified the directions.

It really was simple, something like go to this light make a left keep going till you run into it. Easy right? Unless your me feeling like the world is squeezing the breath out of you. So , drive, light, turn left, keep on going. This was a main street through town with so many buildings and I had no idea what the Temple looked like. I went as slow as I could within the limit, you know like some jerk in front of you does sometimes. I look right, a church, beautiful stained glass and not the Temple. I look left, a church, beautiful architecture and not the Temple. All along this street, huge churches. I feel the spirit but none of them is the Temple.

The buildings begin to thin out and now I'm wondering if I missed it. The road starts to rise in a slow hill. I'm feeling it now. My heart, my chest burns. I can't help it, I start to cry, I haven't even seen it yet but I know it's there. Over the rise, it's dark now and I see the lights. Down the rise, I see it, the Orlando Temple. I'm crying so hard now I can hardly drive. It's is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I'm thinking, how can anyone look at this and not know that it is the House of the Lord. How?

I park the car, go inside. I am crying so hard I'm trying not to hyperventilate. The Temple matrons come to me asking if I'm okay. Oh yeah I'm okay. I sit, gather my thoughts and try to calm down. I want to do a session but the last one just started. There is other work to do and the matrons lead me to where I need to go. My heart burns, I feel the spirit so strong, stronger than I ever have. As the work is done I'm crying, I have the Temple workers crying the other sisters there are crying. It's getting late now and the Temple workers are saying we have to wrap it up. It's the last one. Oh that feeling when you feel acceptance, and you know the work you have done is not in vain. One of the Temple workers lays her hand on my arm and says "I feel that you will serve in the Temple someday". Oh the joy I felt, to have the blessing of serving in the Temple in my future.

Oh the joy doesn't even come close to the feelings I had while I was in the House of the Lord. This memory reminds me that I am a Child of God and that I have work to do.

I tried to upload a pic of the Orlando Temple but had some difficulties. I'll work on that. If you want to see the Orlando Temple and the other LDS Temples you can get to them from the link I added to your right.

Doc update

My mind is too fast today. I have spent all day, except for when I went to the doctor(s), messing with this new MP3 player you will find on your right. I think it's all good now, at least all the songs are playing on my computer.

Well according to both my docs I'm still too hypomanic. I guess spending up to 10 hours on the computer and not being able to sleep even with sleeping pills qualifies. And the 90 mile an hour talking and changing subjects might have had something to do with it. I don't know, I just feel comfortable here at my computer, whether I am reading or writing or trying to figure something out. When I get up I get restless, I can't even sit still for TV, and before you couldn't get me up from the couch.

So far doc has upped my Lamictal, stopped the Welbutrin(thank goodness), added a sleep aid to my nightly cocktail and upped my lithium. I hope I even out soon.

I hope you enjoy the music. I picked a variety so if you don't like what's on just click away and find something you do like. Most of these songs have some sentimental value to me and others are just beautiful pieces of music.

Okay well my brain is mush, I have to take my pork chops from the oven(yum yum) and settle down for my Monday night programming. Oh did I mention I'm a great cook, I'll have to share my lasagna recipe with you sometime.

I have added a link and fixed one

Check out the link to rocknfish.com. I was cruisin' the web for a poem I use to have and came across this beautiful turtle sculpture by John Warren. I got his permission to link to the sculpture so take a peek and tour the rest of the site, he is very talented.

I didn't realize the link to my cousins camp wasn't working. Now it is.

And now for something completely different

I can't tell a joke to save my life. I just ruin it from the get go, so I don't tell em'.

So here is a story. So far only 2 people think it's funny, that is me and my very funny coworker,R, who picks on me all the time.

Anyhow I'm at work sitting at my station entering data or something and two coworkers, K and G, are standing by me having a conversation that I'm kinda half way listening to. G says " My brother is a lineman". I perked up and said "for the county?" He looked at me like I was stupid and said "no not for the county". K was looking lost as well. So I just tee heed to myself.

Cut to the kitchen not long after. There is a handful of people in there doing the lunch thing and I'm sittin' there. R sits across from me. G is over talking to someone about his brother again and says "My brother is a lineman" and R not missing a beat pipes up and says "For the county?" I just about fell out of my chair. I said laughing and barely breathing " I just said that." There we are just the two of us laughing our asses off in front of a room of very confused people.

Now if you don't get it, tooooo bad.

We still laugh about it. At 3am on night shift R will IM me "My brother is a lineman" and I'll IM him back "For the county?" And we just laugh and creep everybody out, I love it.

It's me again , ha

Most assuredly too umm motivated. I just rediscovered an album I love, have not listened to it in years. I love musicmatch.

Tori Amos - Little Earthquakes / her lyrics are profound, her voice is lovely and her piano divine

hey ya'll

I feel so motivated today. I got up early to work on my finances. They really suck, I did my manic shopping and didn't pay my house note. On top of that I have tons of medical bills for myself and my son. I forgot it's Saturday and I've been trying to call people all morning to make arrangements to take care of everything. I finally realized it was Saturday and I wasn't going to get anybody on the phone. I didn't even get mad, not to much any way. lol

I decided to try a post that wasn't so freakin dark. I have my musicmatch open and listening to some tunes. One of my lady friends at work turned me on to Buckcherry especially the song 'Crazy Bitch', it's our theme song.(beware it is explicit). I also like their tune 'Next 2 You'

When I'm really pissed I jam to Limp Bizkit's 'Break Stuff'(very explicit).

Lets see, umm, I love Santana old stuff and new stuff. I like R&B old school and new school. I'm not a real fan of country but I did have an album by Lonestar. I like the country from the 70's. My parents always listened to a great variety of music. I love Bach, Mozart and Beethoven. I have a piano and I am self teaching when I take the time.

I had my metal days, Manowar, Iron Maiden, Megadeath you know the 80's. Oh Queensryche one of my all time favorites their old stuff not the newer stuff, I was listening to them before anyone even knew they existed.

Lets see, Styx loved 'em until Kilroy, that was bad and never got better.

I guess I just like most everything or some of everything anyhow. (make sense?)

I'm having this issue with my index, I want to show the title of all the posts. It's messed up,at least for me, that the beginning is at the end. I think some of it builds on each other and all the titles should always be there. I finally figured out that if you click on the oldest one on that page that the index then shows the previous posts, but that's confusing, at least to me but then I had been sitting at the computer all day, and I mean all day. okay subject over

Got Queensryche on, OMG Geoff Tate can freakin sing. He even screams on key. His range and stamina are incredible. Me and the boyfriend that I had when Queensryche came out use to put them on then get it on. Maybe that's why I'm getting aroused. ha ha

I think I'm way to chipper today. I hope it's genuine and not an escalation to worse mania. It sucks to feel good and not know if it's good good or bad good. arrggg

I think I'm hungry but I'm not sure. Well I guess I'm off to forage in the kitchen. I will probably, most definitely, maybe be back later.

My son graduates from high school - happy post

My son, my son. I love that kid. He is going to be twenty-three next month. But I never been more proud of him than when he graduated from high school. That kid of mine is so intelligent and can sing Base II like no tomorrow. He has gone through so much being bounced around between my angel of an aunt and myself and on top of that having learning disabilities.

Graduation. Brian, my son, graduated while living with my aunt. Brians' dad, brothers and grandparents came from out of state for the event. I hadn't seen his dad or his grandparents in years and it was my first time to meet his brothers. The older brother and Brian and his dad all look the same. The younger brother looks just like his mother.

The high school was huge and when we got there Brian ran off with the other choir students to prepare for the beginning of the ceremony. All in green they were, the kids on one side of the stadium and the families waiting proudly on the other side.

We had to wait for a lot of names, Brian's last name starts with R. It was the most wonderful thing I have ever seen, that kid got his diploma and strutted and I mean strutted down the aisle. He had his own little cheering section down from us hollering for him. I could hardly keep my eyes dry. At that moment I felt the presence of my mother and her pride in my son's accomplishment. I was amazed. I was so happy she was there.

Afterwards Brian and some of his friends came over and had a party in the little house. The adults just hung back and talked about how much we love our kids. It was a good time. It was a great day.

Doctor update from 7/19

Well, called psych after lunch on the 18th. I had gotten sent home from work. I wasn't ready to go back. I thought I could handle it and I really needed to be around some people and doing something besides obsessing over every little thing. I couldn't handle it, I was agitated to the extreme and was not under control of my emotions. I seem to remember telling someone to bite my ass but I can't remember who or why. I went form wanting to do bodily harm to someone to crying then feeling drained and starting all over again. I really wanted to make some curtains for my kitchen windows. I couldn't' get my step ladder to work right so I threw it across the room. But I did get it to work. I made all my measurements, got my sewing machine out and then discovered I didn't have as much material as I thought I did. I know that all sounds not so unusual. We all go through it. But I was so angry I was afraid to leave the house because if someone was to piss me off I might have to hurt someone and I don't want to do that, I felt like I had no control. You can't understand it if you haven't been here. Anyway, yesterday she adjusted my meds again, took away Welbutrin, she said that can cause the anger, violent reaction. I have to be off from work for a month and I go back to see her in three weeks.
Yesterday I couldn't find my stapler. I've only been awake for 15 minutes.

The moment I found God

I didn't find Him, He found me. It's 1995. I have a great job, a 3 bedroom brick house and all the sex I can get and if I'm not working I'm drunk or on my way to it. Actually I think at this time I may have slowed down because I was diagnosed with depression and the doctor had me on meds. I was feeling empty and lonely. I didn't just want sex I wanted a real relationship. I also felt like I had a spiritual component missing in my life. I had a history with Buddhism, my dad introduced me while I lived in Cali. It made me feel peaceful and calm but it's hard to always pray alone. The closest members were an hour away and I guess I just wasn't willing to go that far. I have Cherokee ancestors on both my father and my mother sides. I started reading books dealing with native american life, shamans and healers. It was one of these days when the missionaries came to my door.

The sister missionaries looked so sweet so innocent. I happened to have one of my shaman books in my hand. The one sister, Sister Hancock, asked me if I liked to read. I replied yes and showed her the book I was reading. She said that she had a book about the history of the native americans on this continent and asked if I would read it. I said sure and took the book and we made an appointment for them to come back over.

I read that book cover to cover and I cannot even explain what I felt. I had so many questions for the sisters. Usually the missionaries meet investigators in their home but I was so ashamed at the state of my house that they agreed to meet me at Dairy Queen. We had many discussions at Dairy Queen over the next few weeks. Every one answering a question I had in my heart. I felt like prayers I had never asked were being answered. One discussion dealing with premortal and mortal life and also with life after death I learned that I could be with my family for eternity. I felt a warmth in my chest and my eyes welled over, I can be with my mother again, I asked. They said yes and explained to me the principle more fully. I knew it was true. Sister Hancock was the best, not only did she teach me truths she testified of them. I think that more than anything was instrumental in my conversion.

Of course I had to pray about it and gain my own testimony. I prayed for days and nothing came, nothing I was absolutely sure of. I was having trouble with a "broken heart and a contrite spirit". I was on my knees thinking of this and thinking about my Savior. I flipped through my scriptures and there I found it, like it was written just for me. At that moment I knew it. I knew God loved me, I knew the things the missionaries taught me were true. I knew I would see my mother again and I knew I loved her still.

God knows me so well. Even in the way he sent the message, if he had sent guy missionaries I probably would have taken it as a personal challenge to seduce them.

Now I am what we call inactive or less active. I don't go to church very often. I miss it and the friends that I have there. I have to work 2 Sundays a month but I really have no excuse for the others. Today is Saturday maybe I'll go tomorrow. I know it's true, I feel it all the way to my soul.

Mama's Funeral

I think the final straw was at my mothers funeral. I was 12 going on 13. Up to this point I had been molested, I lost my birth dad, I lost my step dad, I lost Roy(mom's 4th husband), the dog we had had ever since I could remember was hit by the school bus and the replacement puppy was run over in the driveway by a drunken friend of my mother's. And then my mother suffered from cancer, it was horrible seeing her in the hospital with tubes that seemed to come from everywhere. She was in a coma. The funeral was the worst. It was a pretty day in June with folks sitting on fold out chairs. I never saw so many flowers, I thought she must have been really loved, I didn't even know she knew so many people. The coffin was open and we had to walk past and look at her. Why? I got so angry. These people were trying to say that this was my mother. This was not my mother, it may have looked something like her but it was not her. This was an empty shell with nothing inside. I felt so numb.

What I remember next is sitting in the front row next to Dale of all people. He was her husband at the time of her death. He had no love for me or my brother. I don't know exactly what triggered it but all of the sudden I was overcome I could feel it all coming up. I made the mistake of leaning to Dale for comfort. He jerked away and I cut it off, I stopped all the emotion right there. My doc says that was a turning point. I shut off from the pain, the world and from God. I blamed him for all if it.

Mom never showed any religious preference. We never went to church. I found out years later after I joined the Mormon church that she had also joined sometimes in the '70's when we lived on the naval base.

Yesterday 7/14

I was hoping to feel better by yesterday. I went shopping in the afternoon to get the kids some groceries for there stay at one of the other kids house. It might be easier to put some names with the kids. My kid is Brian the other two are Patrick and Thomas. They are staying at Toms while his parents are on vacation. I know I say kids but they are 22,23,24. Anyhow I went shopping and I started feeling really freaky. I get this really wiry feeling. I have a few things I am compulsive about buying. Office products like pens, notebooks, sticky note pads. Electronics like stuff for my computers or camera. Purses I really buzz out on purses. DVD's, clothes.

I actually didn't do as bad as I usually do. I left out of Walmart with a portable USB wireless mouse for my lap top. Two USB hubs, one for my desktop and one for my lap top. A monitor stand that was made for a flat monitor but I didn't notice that until I was unpacking it so I have my lap on it. I also got a marker/magnet board and markers, eraser and board cleaner and of course magnets. I bought some t-shirts, 3 for me and 2 for my kid. I also got a denim shirt for me. I didn't go anywhere near the purses. I had just bought about 25 pens and a notebook a few days ago so I didn't feel the compulsion to buy any more.

Maybe that doesn't sound so bad, but I don't need any of these things and I am behind on my bills. I felt nauseas and like I might have a panic attack. I couldn't control it, I really wanted to leave but I had not even gotten the kids their groceries. I thought I was going be sick. And what topped it off was that as I walked the long way to my car there were several employees just sort of wandering around trying to look busy and not one of those punks offered to help me. Probably better that way if someone would have spoken to me I might have lost it. I cried all the way home and then I just felt drained, and I wanted to sleep.

I have to see my doc on Monday. I haven't had a shopping mania attack in a long time, over a year I'm sure. I hope I feel better, I need to get back to work.