iPod test

Post from itouch




-- Post From My iTouch

Does stability stifle creativity?

When I am hypomanic I create like crazy. I love to write and I attempt to draw. It's also the times when I make the most posts. I haven't posted in a while but I'm stable on my meds. It's not that I don't still have the creativity inside me I have the thoughts and the ideas but somehow they are fleeting. They come and go and usually go before I get to writing them down. I have been reading a lot on the subject and found that this seems to be true for others with bipolar disorder. Is it a matter of just trying harder to get the ideas out of my head and onto some kind of media I can share? There is no way I would trade stability for the racing thoughts that help me to be creative. So how do I find the drive of hypomania to continue to put my creative thoughts out there? It's frustrating.

I just acquired the newest release by Alicia Keys. My favorite track is ‘Tell You Something’. It reminds me of the times I should have shared what was in my heart and didn’t.

But the track that resonates with me the most is ‘No One’. One of the guys at work was playing this song over and over and over. It brought to mind a boyfriend I had in college. He was shy and quiet and he deserved a lot more than what I was able to offer at the time. He wanted to keep us a secret from the others in our little circle of friends. So we became Someone and No one. Of course he made me Someone and he was No one. He would leave me cards and poems always To Someone From No one. He once carved a rose into a piece of chalk. I still have it tucked away in my little box of treasures.

We enjoyed many quiet times together just sitting and holding hands. That wasn’t enough for me, I had to go and mess it up. Here was a guy who really loved me and all I could think of was having sex with him. I knew how he felt but I still felt rejected when he wanted to wait. I eventually wore him down. We had sex one time and it ruined everything. I lost interest and broke his heart.

After that he gave me a book of poetry called ‘Something to Someone’. It follows the theme of a person who longs for love, finds it and then loses it. I read it again this morning and after nearly twenty years it still breaks my heart that I could have treated a man with such a gentle soul like he really was the No one he felt he was.

I know my story doesn’t follow the song but it should have. I’m sorry JR.

I have these dreams sometimes where I am running. Not running from or to anything. Just running at a nice even pace, wind in my face. I feel free and happy. I feel that runners high that I have felt only once before. I wake up feeling eager to maintain that feeling and then remember that there is no way, in my present condition, that I could even attempt such a thing.

I have a friend at work who is an avid swimmer. He has recently taken up running and biking and has done a couple of triathlons. He has been very encouraging. He had some trouble with the running because of shin splints but never gave up. That has inspired me to get over my obstacles and just do it.

Another friend and I were suppose to do a 5k today. She begged off due to a sinus infection. I have one too but really wanted to go. And yes I didn't go because she didn't go, but not just because she didn't go. This would have been my first one and I was terrified. My other friend was going to be there with his family but I would have felt like a 5th wheel if I had latched on to them.

I have anxiety and crowd issues and I was afraid to go alone. My friend is my strength in situations like that. We go to Vegas sometimes. I don't think she realizes how grounded she makes me feel.

I don't have a large circle of friends and I like it that way. But it would be nice to meet some new folks who have an interest in running, that would help keep me motivated.

My friend and I do have a 5k scheduled for Mar 1 for the Houston rodeo. Wish me luck.

I'm neither manic nor depressed. At least I don't think so. Sometimes
there is just so much stuff I'm not sure how I feel. I know I feel
really overwhelmed right now and I can't see how any of it can end well.
I want to ask the usual questions. Why me? What is the purpose of all
this pain? I already know the answers but it seems little comfort at
the moment.

Bear with me now. This is an exercise to help me vent and maybe feel
better. The questions 'why me' and 'what's the purpose' are answered by
my faith. It's not me or just me and the purposes are many. It's just
that I want to know now. I want to know now what the purpose is so I can
get right to it. I need to know so I know where to pay attention and
when I can zone out.

I know I am being very selfish but that is just me being human. My
little human brain is going in circles trying to figure out the ending
and how to get there quicker but that defeats the 'purpose' doesn't it.

So many things. My aunt, I've written of her before, is terminally ill.
I sit here and wallow in my emotional pain and feel so angry at myself
for doing so. She is the one who is dying, slowly losing control of her
own body. I get so frustrated that I am not there to help her. I live
a 7hr drive away. I'm not real impressed with the way the rest of the
family is handling things. I have to constantly remind myself that we
are all in a new situation and we are all learning together. But still,
I think and think, how can I make it possible to be there for her as
much as I want to.

I question my purpose in this situation. I saw her in September. We
went to dinner and we got to laughing and my uncle said how she hadn't
laughed like that in months. Instantly I know that she needs me here,
if nothing else just to make her laugh. I stayed a week and then had to
make the long drive home. She said " Can't you just stay and be my
girl" Oh man talk about rip out my heart. If I knew how to pull it off,
I'd do it in a second. I just can't see how, I turn it over and over
and nothing.

She told me after I became a believer that she spent many hours on her
knees for me and that her prayers had been answered. That means so much
to me. I gave her so much hell when I was a teenager and she loved me
all through it. She saved my life. I think one of the purposes of this
trial is to get me on my knees. I want to do that for her, pray. Maybe
that's all I can do, pray for her.

Do you have something about yourself that causes you to feel frustrated
and embarrassed? Something that people can't see just by looking at you
or knowing you? Something that you know you need help with but you can't
get over the shame enough to ask anyone to help you?

I have something. And as with all things that are painful we sometimes
feel alone. We feel like there is no one on God's green earth that has
felt or is feeling the way we do. And we are wrong. There is always
someone. There is someone else who feels the same pain, hurt, shame.

I came across an article in a magazine this morning that let me see that
there are other people dealing with my same issue. The magazine is
MARIE CLAIRE/AUG 2007 and the article is titled "I Grew up in This
Mess".

I don't usually read this magazine but I was bored and it was there.
The article describes a home with stacks of paper and unopened mail.
Stuff piled everywhere, broken unusable, unused. Dishes not done,
bathrooms not cleaned. This is not so bad you say. I don't mean the
normal clutter, a dish or two in the sink or slight build up of soap
scum on the tub.

I started to describe my house, my mess, my shame and I can't do it.

You can get an idea if you read the article. My house isn't quite as
bad as the ones in the article. The problem is described by doctors as
"hoarding". Experts believe that 2 to 3 million people suffer from this
syndrome. Last year a group was founded called Children of Hoarders
(childrenofhoarders.com). I plan on checking out the web site later
tonight when I get home.

My friend K would say " What's the big deal, just clean it up ". I wish
it was that easy. I thought that this problem was part of my bipolar
disorder and maybe it is, I don't know. All I know is I am not alone in
my feelings. I hope this web site has some answers.

Post from email

Mood Check

Doing well today. I've been working nights the last few. This is my
last one this set. Then I have three days off and then I go back to a
day set. For the last week I have been very diligent at taking my meds
on time and getting enough sleep. I feel energetic but not wired and my
appetite seems to have come back. The next couple of days it will be a
challenge to swap over to my day schedule.

This is my last night (Monday) and I go home in the morning at 0600
(Tuesday). I have to go to bed Tuesday morning but I can't take my
sleep meds because I have to take them when I go to bed Tuesday night.
The hard part is making myself go to bed at a decent hour on Tuesday
night so I can get up at a decent hour on Wednesday so I can sleep
Wednesday night and by Friday I should be all swapped over.

Then I work Fri, Sat, Sun days. Off Monday. Then start nights again on
Tuesday night. Got that?

It's a hard schedule. Hard on the body and hard on families. We spend
more time with each other than with our spouses and children. I am
blessed to be able to say that I really do enjoy my job and I enjoy the
folks that I work with.

I thought my symptoms were easing off. I felt good enough to actually attempt to do something around the house. I haven't been doing much but sleeping and watching TV.

I thought I might clean my ceiling fan and change the light bulbs. Two of the bulbs don't come out but I got the other two. The whole light fixture was loose and I tried to tighten it but I couldn't.

I was on a step ladder vacuuming the paddles of the fan and the vac attachment kept coming off. I've used it many times before so I don't know what I was doing wrong. At this point I'm getting extremely frustrated. So I get ...

Any way the damn light fixture comes loose and drops fast about 8 inches towards my face and stops at the end of it's wires. This totally freaks me out.

I'm not sure of the exact order of the next events. I had to get my big ladder so I could reach the housing that the fixture screws into. At some point I yelled to get out some frustration and it turned into a long and somewhat uncontrolled scream.

I tried fixing the light and it fell back down at me, twice. I climbed from the ladder and had an anxiety attack. I beat my sofa with a hose extension from my vacuum. And settled into some hysterical crying. I hate being out of control and the thought of not being able to fix this without help was really pissing me off and making feel weak.

I sent my son off for the week so I could deal with my manic/PMS symptoms alone, I think I scare him sometimes and it's not really fair for him to have to take care of me every time I get paranoid and what not.

I was able to get him and his friend to come over and fix it yesterday and it was good to have the kids around for a little while.

Now it's 1am. The TVs on. No housework is done. I'm still paranoid, anxious, freaked out and afraid I'm going manic.

I see my doc on Monday. I'm afraid she's going to make me take a leave of absence from work.

The last few weeks or so:

The first thing I can think of that may have set me off is the change from Ambien to the generic

Premenstrual or Bipolar or Both

The last two weeks have been a struggle. I thought I was heading towards a full blown manic episode. I have been panicky, paranoid, unable to sleep even with a sedative. I have been hypersensitive to noise, touch and light. I have been having PTSD related flashbacks and sensations from a very traumatic experience. Just all in all a struggle.

The above symptoms and the change to a generic version of ambien made me think manic but last night my breasts were really tender and this morning I started my menses. Now I feel a whole lot better, not 100%, but better.

The problem is that before and during these last two weeks so many things have changed and I don't know what has affected what.

The one thing a bipolar person should do, besides have a regular sleep pattern, is keep a mood diary and/or chart. That way when this sort of thing happens you can have a full picture of what's going on and can learn what works and what doesn't.

I haven't been doing the diary/chart and all I can do is start now with my most recent symptoms.

Hence the new direction of the blog. This is going to be my mood diary.

21 pounds and counting

It's been about 5 months since my last post. Life is moving along okay. My bipolar is at a steady state, neither depressed or manic. Some good things happening in my life. I posted before about trying to lose weight. Well I've lost 21 lbs since December.

It seems there are a lot of us at work who are trying to lose weight. There is one chica on LA Weight Loss, another on Jenny Craig. Then we have a couple of guys doing Body For Life.

I couldn't bring myself to pay anyone to tell me what I already know and I know that a program is something I wouldn't follow through on.

We are all succeeding at our different methods and it's good to have encouragement from your friends.

I changed a couple of things and those changes have caused other changes.

• I'm taking small bites. I noticed that I was taking huge bites when I ate. It's like "how much food can I fit in my mouth at one time."
• I'm chewing my food very thoroughly. That was a challenge, when I started paying attention I found I was doing this "chew, chew, swallow, chew, chew, swallow". It was work to stop that reflexive action but now I chew until there is nothing left to chew.
• I stop eating when my body tells me to. There is a deep breath that happens automatically when your body is satisfied. I do best when I stop at that breath. If you have never noticed it, pay attention you might be surprised.
• It's crazy how much I was eating. I now know the proper portions my body needs and I eat only that much. I'm not hungry or starving. I'm satisfied and content. I'm not bloated and I don't feel sluggish all the time.
• I eat more often. Every three hours or so. Three main meals and snacks in between. This happened naturally. I don't count calories and I eat what I want. I found those little single serving packs of cookies or crackers or fruit to be very helpful in portion control. And if I put to much food on my plate I eat what I want and I throw the rest away. Boy that was hard at first.

A lot of this is mental. I had to get over throwing away food. I waste less now that I know how much I need. It's not wrong to throw away the excess. Better in the trash than in your body causing you illness and pain. I also started buying single serving things. Some of these things are expensive at first glance but in the long run they are not. It keeps me from having to throw away excess while helping me with portion control. Most things are very portable and make it easier to eat what you want when you want it and not go hungry while your away from home.

With all that said it's time for me to have a snack. I'm thinking some grapes will hit the spot.

Last night I had a dream that I was running. I wasn’t running from anything or to anything. I was just running at a comfortable and steady pace. I felt good and relaxed and free.

I’m not sure why I dream this dream. Sometimes I’m running in the countryside sometimes the city or a small town it’s never the same place twice. I use to have flying dreams and I always felt free then too. Now I just run and run to nowhere.

It’s strange because I am not and have never been an athletic person. I took up running once for a short time with the ladies at work. I only got ‘runners high’ once. Those endorphins kicked in and I felt like I could run forever. I didn’t want to stop because I knew as soon as I did stop that I wouldn’t be able to get going again and I’d feel the pain of my shin splints. I never could run without getting that awful pain in my shins so I guess that’s the reason I stopped running.

What is also strange is that I’m not fat in the running dreams or any of my dreams for that matter. I have been overweight since my late twenties (I’m forty now) and never once have I been fat in a dream. I have dreams sometimes where I am with one my ex’s and then there are one or two other sexy women that he turns his attention to, and as bad as I feel about myself at those moments I still look good. I would think that I would picture myself unattractive in those dreams but I don’t. Weird.

I said at the start that when my mania was treated that I wouldn't be motivated to write. It hate that I'm not motivated 'cause I still have things rolling around in my head that want t0 be said. It's not that I don't want to write, I just don't write. While I was in my mania when an idea popped into my head I had to write it down at that moment so I could blog it later. Now, I think something and I think, I should write that down. I just don't.

Back to work finally. Put in 36 hours of overtime over the weekend. Glad to be back.

www.phrenology.org

Phrenology is an interesting subject. The real scientific Phrenology, which established a direct link between the morphology of the skull and the human character, was discovered by the Austrian physician Franz Josef GALL (1758-1828). Gall put the foundations for an anatomic caracteriology. He was one of the first to consider the brain as the home of all mental activities.

One of the claims of phrenology is that the area down and behind the ears is associated with physical desire. If the area is larger the physical desire is larger. It’s weird but I noticed that while I’m pretty much always desirous of physical love, sometimes when I’m premenstrual I’m downright horny and insatiable and at those times that place behind my ears actually swells uncomfortably.

I came across the phrenology stuff looking for some hormonal reason for the swelling and accompanying increase in desire. Neat the stuff you can find on the internet.

www.phrenology.org

One of the things I like about being manic is I’m more creative and can stay motivated. Now instead of eight to ten hours on the computer I’m back to the same amount of time in front of the television. I have all these ideas and thoughts and absolutely no motivation. I’m at that point in my period that everyone around me annoys me just by breathing. I love the kids but damn they get on my nerves. They think they know everything and I don’t know anything. They just get on my nerves.

I do feel positive about my appointment with the shrink yesterday. Aside from all the frustrations yesterday I did do well at the all day inquisition.

I need a new profession. I’m thinking of computer programming. I’ve studied a little and I’m sure I would be good at it. I wouldn’t mind a job at home as long as the kids were not here to get on my last nerve.

Only a few minutes and I’ve lost interest, maybe tomorrow.

I was in downtown Houston yesterday and while I was getting lost I thought I saw my brother. I’m not sure I mentioned him before. He and his wife stayed with me a few years back. He has schizoaffective disorder. Schizoaffective disorder presents with both schizophrenia and bipolar disorder symptoms. While at my place he was self medicating for his hallucinations. I lost touch when they moved out. I got a call later that his wife was on a crime spree with some guy and they had my brothers SS and DL. I was at a traffic light trying to get my bearings and I saw this guy crossing the street. He looked like my brother but with a beard and a hat on. He was carrying the same bags I saw my brother with, a green army duffle and a blue duffle. He was shuffling across the intersection, muttering to himself and making hand gestures. I was staring at him and I think he saw me because he made a strange hand motion at me. He looked absent and I couldn’t tell if he knew me or not. I couldn’t do anything but go to my appointment. I asked the doctor if there was a way I might be able to track him down if he was homeless. She said that the longer he’s not treated, the less affective that treatment could be. I hate that he may be down there with no one to help him, he may not even know who he is now.

darn spellcheak aint workin

Hey, just thought I'd drop in and say hi. Feeling pretty okay. I have a visit with the company shrink on Friday. It's one of those all day affairs and of course it has to be in downtown Houston. No problem I'm totally prepared with a map from google earth, well several maps from my house to the door of the office building, close ups, well more like satallite photographs with the route traced out in purple or is it yellow? I don't remember at this moment. But I'll get there and I'll be there all damn day and then I'll go home and wait to get the call to go back to work.

I wondered today if I'll have to take the physical to be released to work. Usually when someone is off work for a length of time they have to take the physical, I think it's 30 days. I'm not sure I can pass it now. I might pass it but I'll hurt something fierce the next day.

I pretty much hurt most of the time these days. Different things from day to day. Some days it's my back, then it's my wrist, blah , blah etc ad nauseum. I'm not trying to complain just establish a baseline of behaviors and sypmtoms.

I'm 5'1'' tall and weigh in over 220. It might be hard to believe but sharing this personal information is harder then some of the things I have already shared. Sharing those other things really helped me deal with pain of them and I thought that maybe sharing this journey might help me too. So again as I stated in the very begining, It's all about me.

I get winded getting dressed, I hurt when I mop, wash dishes and everything else. Hell, sleeping hurts. I wasn't very active to start with and now I'm not active at all. I eat too much and not very healthy food. I think that establishes the baseline.

I'm not starting this paticular journey for the first time. As with most women or overweight people we have started this journey time after time after time. We have starved ourselves, ate only this and never that. Bought the exercise videos. Lost 10, 20 or more and gained back 20, 30 or more. I have a great collection of videos and DVD's. Tai Chi, Kickboxing, Step, Yoga, Pilates, Kung Fu Step(my personal favorite), I had belly dancing but I gave that to a friend. I have all these things that say Beginner on them, that's crap, it really means if you are already an athelete and you have never done that paticular exercise before.

Anyway I have started by buying real groceries and not eating fast food every night. I am working to reduce my portions. Next in the food department is to cook more healthy food. Not the butter soaked chicken I baked tonight or the smothered pork chops with rice. One step at a time right.

Next, in the exercise department I was trying to think of the best thing to start with that wouldn't be overdoing it. I tried the Walk Away the Pounds and it was too much. I tried Sit and be Fit from PBS and it was too much. So what can be easier than Sit and be Fit? Aquatic Therapy! I'm going to the doctor tomorrow to see if she can precribe the therapy for me.

The start of a new journey, I invite you to come along for the ride.

Kimberley's Spicy Lasagne

This recipe is for the cook who likes to experiment and doesn't need exact amounts for everything. I start with the recipe on the box of noodles and work from there. So here it goes.

1lb of meat- it can be ground whatever or 1pk of Italian sauage(sweet, mild, or hot) I like hot.
3 cups spaghetti sauce-about a 28 ounce jar or 1 can Hunt's spaghetti sauce, I like Hunt's
1 can Rotel tomatoes (optional)
1 1/2 cups water if using uncooked noodles. (It's a royal pain to cook them first)
1 - 15 ounce container of ricotta cheese. Small curd cottage cheese works too but it's not as good.
2 cups (8 ounces) shredded mozzarella cheese
1/2 cup grated Parmesan cheese (I like the grated Parmesan and Romano blend)
2 eggs
1/4 cup chopped fresh parsley (I hardly ever use it)
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/4 teaspoon pepper
9 pieces( 8 ounces of noodles)

Heat oven to 350 F. In a 3qt sauce pan, brown the meat;drain(okay here is where you get creative, If you are using plain ground beef, chicken...etc then spice up the meat. I saute some fresh chopped onion, finely chopped fresh garlic, maybe some green peppers(red and orange peppers are sweeter and taste great)just go crazy, whatever you like. When using spicy Italian sausage I don't add anything to it.

After the meat is drained add the spaghetti sauce to the meat. If you are not going to cook the noodles first then add the 1 1/2 cups water to the sauce. At this point I would add the rotel tomatoes and let the sauce simmer for awhile, 10 minutes minimum but the longer the better. When taste testing the sauce use a piece of French bread, it will give you a better idea of the flavor then tasting off the spoon. If you have time, prepare the sauce the day before, spaghetti sauce always tastes better the next day. If you want more spice, crushed red pepper is a good addition. Any Italian spice blend is always a good choice to add flavor.

Okay the filling is next. In a bowl stir together the ricotta, half the mozzarella, Parmesan(and Romano) cheese, the parsley, eggs and the salt and pepper.

Putting it all together: Pour about 1 cup of sauce on the bottom of a 13x9 inch baking dish. Arrange 3 UNCOOKED noodles lengthwise over the sauce; cover with about 1 cup sauce. Spread one-half the cheese filling over the sauce. Repeat layers of lasagne, sauce and cheese filling. Top with a layer of lasagne and remaining sauce; sprinkle with remaining mozzarella cheese. Cover with foil. Bake for 45 minutes. Remove foil; bake 15 minutes more. Let stand 10 minutes before serving. Adjust the times as needed to make sure the noodles get done. The box says this serves 10-12, but not in my house.

I've reduced everything and made a lovely small lasagne in a bread pan. Perfect for a couple with some leftovers.

I made a tasty vegetarian version by omitting the meat and using onions, garlic, yellow squash, zucchini and green, yellow and red peppers in the sauce. Also rotel tomatoes. I'm told mushrooms are a good addition(yuck). This is where spices are key, so go for it.

Well, I hope you try it and love it. Play with it and have fun. Have it with Garlic bread and a colorful salad and you're set.

Life in a hick town

You know you're in a hick town when you go into the police station to turn yourself in for warrants and they tell you to come back tomorrow because the guy who handles warrants isn't in today.

lol it happened