21 pounds and counting

It's been about 5 months since my last post. Life is moving along okay. My bipolar is at a steady state, neither depressed or manic. Some good things happening in my life. I posted before about trying to lose weight. Well I've lost 21 lbs since December.

It seems there are a lot of us at work who are trying to lose weight. There is one chica on LA Weight Loss, another on Jenny Craig. Then we have a couple of guys doing Body For Life.

I couldn't bring myself to pay anyone to tell me what I already know and I know that a program is something I wouldn't follow through on.

We are all succeeding at our different methods and it's good to have encouragement from your friends.

I changed a couple of things and those changes have caused other changes.

• I'm taking small bites. I noticed that I was taking huge bites when I ate. It's like "how much food can I fit in my mouth at one time."
• I'm chewing my food very thoroughly. That was a challenge, when I started paying attention I found I was doing this "chew, chew, swallow, chew, chew, swallow". It was work to stop that reflexive action but now I chew until there is nothing left to chew.
• I stop eating when my body tells me to. There is a deep breath that happens automatically when your body is satisfied. I do best when I stop at that breath. If you have never noticed it, pay attention you might be surprised.
• It's crazy how much I was eating. I now know the proper portions my body needs and I eat only that much. I'm not hungry or starving. I'm satisfied and content. I'm not bloated and I don't feel sluggish all the time.
• I eat more often. Every three hours or so. Three main meals and snacks in between. This happened naturally. I don't count calories and I eat what I want. I found those little single serving packs of cookies or crackers or fruit to be very helpful in portion control. And if I put to much food on my plate I eat what I want and I throw the rest away. Boy that was hard at first.

A lot of this is mental. I had to get over throwing away food. I waste less now that I know how much I need. It's not wrong to throw away the excess. Better in the trash than in your body causing you illness and pain. I also started buying single serving things. Some of these things are expensive at first glance but in the long run they are not. It keeps me from having to throw away excess while helping me with portion control. Most things are very portable and make it easier to eat what you want when you want it and not go hungry while your away from home.

With all that said it's time for me to have a snack. I'm thinking some grapes will hit the spot.

Last night I had a dream that I was running. I wasn’t running from anything or to anything. I was just running at a comfortable and steady pace. I felt good and relaxed and free.

I’m not sure why I dream this dream. Sometimes I’m running in the countryside sometimes the city or a small town it’s never the same place twice. I use to have flying dreams and I always felt free then too. Now I just run and run to nowhere.

It’s strange because I am not and have never been an athletic person. I took up running once for a short time with the ladies at work. I only got ‘runners high’ once. Those endorphins kicked in and I felt like I could run forever. I didn’t want to stop because I knew as soon as I did stop that I wouldn’t be able to get going again and I’d feel the pain of my shin splints. I never could run without getting that awful pain in my shins so I guess that’s the reason I stopped running.

What is also strange is that I’m not fat in the running dreams or any of my dreams for that matter. I have been overweight since my late twenties (I’m forty now) and never once have I been fat in a dream. I have dreams sometimes where I am with one my ex’s and then there are one or two other sexy women that he turns his attention to, and as bad as I feel about myself at those moments I still look good. I would think that I would picture myself unattractive in those dreams but I don’t. Weird.

I said at the start that when my mania was treated that I wouldn't be motivated to write. It hate that I'm not motivated 'cause I still have things rolling around in my head that want t0 be said. It's not that I don't want to write, I just don't write. While I was in my mania when an idea popped into my head I had to write it down at that moment so I could blog it later. Now, I think something and I think, I should write that down. I just don't.