I just acquired the newest release by Alicia Keys. My favorite track is ‘Tell You Something’. It reminds me of the times I should have shared what was in my heart and didn’t.

But the track that resonates with me the most is ‘No One’. One of the guys at work was playing this song over and over and over. It brought to mind a boyfriend I had in college. He was shy and quiet and he deserved a lot more than what I was able to offer at the time. He wanted to keep us a secret from the others in our little circle of friends. So we became Someone and No one. Of course he made me Someone and he was No one. He would leave me cards and poems always To Someone From No one. He once carved a rose into a piece of chalk. I still have it tucked away in my little box of treasures.

We enjoyed many quiet times together just sitting and holding hands. That wasn’t enough for me, I had to go and mess it up. Here was a guy who really loved me and all I could think of was having sex with him. I knew how he felt but I still felt rejected when he wanted to wait. I eventually wore him down. We had sex one time and it ruined everything. I lost interest and broke his heart.

After that he gave me a book of poetry called ‘Something to Someone’. It follows the theme of a person who longs for love, finds it and then loses it. I read it again this morning and after nearly twenty years it still breaks my heart that I could have treated a man with such a gentle soul like he really was the No one he felt he was.

I know my story doesn’t follow the song but it should have. I’m sorry JR.

I have these dreams sometimes where I am running. Not running from or to anything. Just running at a nice even pace, wind in my face. I feel free and happy. I feel that runners high that I have felt only once before. I wake up feeling eager to maintain that feeling and then remember that there is no way, in my present condition, that I could even attempt such a thing.

I have a friend at work who is an avid swimmer. He has recently taken up running and biking and has done a couple of triathlons. He has been very encouraging. He had some trouble with the running because of shin splints but never gave up. That has inspired me to get over my obstacles and just do it.

Another friend and I were suppose to do a 5k today. She begged off due to a sinus infection. I have one too but really wanted to go. And yes I didn't go because she didn't go, but not just because she didn't go. This would have been my first one and I was terrified. My other friend was going to be there with his family but I would have felt like a 5th wheel if I had latched on to them.

I have anxiety and crowd issues and I was afraid to go alone. My friend is my strength in situations like that. We go to Vegas sometimes. I don't think she realizes how grounded she makes me feel.

I don't have a large circle of friends and I like it that way. But it would be nice to meet some new folks who have an interest in running, that would help keep me motivated.

My friend and I do have a 5k scheduled for Mar 1 for the Houston rodeo. Wish me luck.

I'm neither manic nor depressed. At least I don't think so. Sometimes
there is just so much stuff I'm not sure how I feel. I know I feel
really overwhelmed right now and I can't see how any of it can end well.
I want to ask the usual questions. Why me? What is the purpose of all
this pain? I already know the answers but it seems little comfort at
the moment.

Bear with me now. This is an exercise to help me vent and maybe feel
better. The questions 'why me' and 'what's the purpose' are answered by
my faith. It's not me or just me and the purposes are many. It's just
that I want to know now. I want to know now what the purpose is so I can
get right to it. I need to know so I know where to pay attention and
when I can zone out.

I know I am being very selfish but that is just me being human. My
little human brain is going in circles trying to figure out the ending
and how to get there quicker but that defeats the 'purpose' doesn't it.

So many things. My aunt, I've written of her before, is terminally ill.
I sit here and wallow in my emotional pain and feel so angry at myself
for doing so. She is the one who is dying, slowly losing control of her
own body. I get so frustrated that I am not there to help her. I live
a 7hr drive away. I'm not real impressed with the way the rest of the
family is handling things. I have to constantly remind myself that we
are all in a new situation and we are all learning together. But still,
I think and think, how can I make it possible to be there for her as
much as I want to.

I question my purpose in this situation. I saw her in September. We
went to dinner and we got to laughing and my uncle said how she hadn't
laughed like that in months. Instantly I know that she needs me here,
if nothing else just to make her laugh. I stayed a week and then had to
make the long drive home. She said " Can't you just stay and be my
girl" Oh man talk about rip out my heart. If I knew how to pull it off,
I'd do it in a second. I just can't see how, I turn it over and over
and nothing.

She told me after I became a believer that she spent many hours on her
knees for me and that her prayers had been answered. That means so much
to me. I gave her so much hell when I was a teenager and she loved me
all through it. She saved my life. I think one of the purposes of this
trial is to get me on my knees. I want to do that for her, pray. Maybe
that's all I can do, pray for her.