When I am hypomanic I create like crazy. I love to write and I attempt to draw. It's also the times when I make the most posts. I haven't posted in a while but I'm stable on my meds. It's not that I don't still have the creativity inside me I have the thoughts and the ideas but somehow they are fleeting. They come and go and usually go before I get to writing them down. I have been reading a lot on the subject and found that this seems to be true for others with bipolar disorder. Is it a matter of just trying harder to get the ideas out of my head and onto some kind of media I can share? There is no way I would trade stability for the racing thoughts that help me to be creative. So how do I find the drive of hypomania to continue to put my creative thoughts out there? It's frustrating.
I just acquired the newest release by Alicia Keys. My favorite track is ‘Tell You Something’. It reminds me of the times I should have shared what was in my heart and didn’t.
But the track that resonates with me the most is ‘No One’. One of the guys at work was playing this song over and over and over. It brought to mind a boyfriend I had in college. He was shy and quiet and he deserved a lot more than what I was able to offer at the time. He wanted to keep us a secret from the others in our little circle of friends. So we became Someone and No one. Of course he made me Someone and he was No one. He would leave me cards and poems always To Someone From No one. He once carved a rose into a piece of chalk. I still have it tucked away in my little box of treasures.
We enjoyed many quiet times together just sitting and holding hands. That wasn’t enough for me, I had to go and mess it up. Here was a guy who really loved me and all I could think of was having sex with him. I knew how he felt but I still felt rejected when he wanted to wait. I eventually wore him down. We had sex one time and it ruined everything. I lost interest and broke his heart.
After that he gave me a book of poetry called ‘Something to Someone’. It follows the theme of a person who longs for love, finds it and then loses it. I read it again this morning and after nearly twenty years it still breaks my heart that I could have treated a man with such a gentle soul like he really was the No one he felt he was.
I know my story doesn’t follow the song but it should have. I’m sorry JR.
I'm a person who just happens to be bipolar. I like to learn all I can about the subject and in doing so I found Joe who has helped me to look at bipolar in a new way and to look inside myself for some of the answers I seek.