I thought my symptoms were easing off. I felt good enough to actually attempt to do something around the house. I haven't been doing much but sleeping and watching TV.

I thought I might clean my ceiling fan and change the light bulbs. Two of the bulbs don't come out but I got the other two. The whole light fixture was loose and I tried to tighten it but I couldn't.

I was on a step ladder vacuuming the paddles of the fan and the vac attachment kept coming off. I've used it many times before so I don't know what I was doing wrong. At this point I'm getting extremely frustrated. So I get ...

Any way the damn light fixture comes loose and drops fast about 8 inches towards my face and stops at the end of it's wires. This totally freaks me out.

I'm not sure of the exact order of the next events. I had to get my big ladder so I could reach the housing that the fixture screws into. At some point I yelled to get out some frustration and it turned into a long and somewhat uncontrolled scream.

I tried fixing the light and it fell back down at me, twice. I climbed from the ladder and had an anxiety attack. I beat my sofa with a hose extension from my vacuum. And settled into some hysterical crying. I hate being out of control and the thought of not being able to fix this without help was really pissing me off and making feel weak.

I sent my son off for the week so I could deal with my manic/PMS symptoms alone, I think I scare him sometimes and it's not really fair for him to have to take care of me every time I get paranoid and what not.

I was able to get him and his friend to come over and fix it yesterday and it was good to have the kids around for a little while.

Now it's 1am. The TVs on. No housework is done. I'm still paranoid, anxious, freaked out and afraid I'm going manic.

I see my doc on Monday. I'm afraid she's going to make me take a leave of absence from work.

The last few weeks or so:

The first thing I can think of that may have set me off is the change from Ambien to the generic

Premenstrual or Bipolar or Both

The last two weeks have been a struggle. I thought I was heading towards a full blown manic episode. I have been panicky, paranoid, unable to sleep even with a sedative. I have been hypersensitive to noise, touch and light. I have been having PTSD related flashbacks and sensations from a very traumatic experience. Just all in all a struggle.

The above symptoms and the change to a generic version of ambien made me think manic but last night my breasts were really tender and this morning I started my menses. Now I feel a whole lot better, not 100%, but better.

The problem is that before and during these last two weeks so many things have changed and I don't know what has affected what.

The one thing a bipolar person should do, besides have a regular sleep pattern, is keep a mood diary and/or chart. That way when this sort of thing happens you can have a full picture of what's going on and can learn what works and what doesn't.

I haven't been doing the diary/chart and all I can do is start now with my most recent symptoms.

Hence the new direction of the blog. This is going to be my mood diary.