I'm neither manic nor depressed. At least I don't think so. Sometimes
there is just so much stuff I'm not sure how I feel. I know I feel
really overwhelmed right now and I can't see how any of it can end well.
I want to ask the usual questions. Why me? What is the purpose of all
this pain? I already know the answers but it seems little comfort at
the moment.

Bear with me now. This is an exercise to help me vent and maybe feel
better. The questions 'why me' and 'what's the purpose' are answered by
my faith. It's not me or just me and the purposes are many. It's just
that I want to know now. I want to know now what the purpose is so I can
get right to it. I need to know so I know where to pay attention and
when I can zone out.

I know I am being very selfish but that is just me being human. My
little human brain is going in circles trying to figure out the ending
and how to get there quicker but that defeats the 'purpose' doesn't it.

So many things. My aunt, I've written of her before, is terminally ill.
I sit here and wallow in my emotional pain and feel so angry at myself
for doing so. She is the one who is dying, slowly losing control of her
own body. I get so frustrated that I am not there to help her. I live
a 7hr drive away. I'm not real impressed with the way the rest of the
family is handling things. I have to constantly remind myself that we
are all in a new situation and we are all learning together. But still,
I think and think, how can I make it possible to be there for her as
much as I want to.

I question my purpose in this situation. I saw her in September. We
went to dinner and we got to laughing and my uncle said how she hadn't
laughed like that in months. Instantly I know that she needs me here,
if nothing else just to make her laugh. I stayed a week and then had to
make the long drive home. She said " Can't you just stay and be my
girl" Oh man talk about rip out my heart. If I knew how to pull it off,
I'd do it in a second. I just can't see how, I turn it over and over
and nothing.

She told me after I became a believer that she spent many hours on her
knees for me and that her prayers had been answered. That means so much
to me. I gave her so much hell when I was a teenager and she loved me
all through it. She saved my life. I think one of the purposes of this
trial is to get me on my knees. I want to do that for her, pray. Maybe
that's all I can do, pray for her.