I'm neither manic nor depressed. At least I don't think so. Sometimes
there is just so much stuff I'm not sure how I feel. I know I feel
really overwhelmed right now and I can't see how any of it can end well.
I want to ask the usual questions. Why me? What is the purpose of all
this pain? I already know the answers but it seems little comfort at
the moment.

Bear with me now. This is an exercise to help me vent and maybe feel
better. The questions 'why me' and 'what's the purpose' are answered by
my faith. It's not me or just me and the purposes are many. It's just
that I want to know now. I want to know now what the purpose is so I can
get right to it. I need to know so I know where to pay attention and
when I can zone out.

I know I am being very selfish but that is just me being human. My
little human brain is going in circles trying to figure out the ending
and how to get there quicker but that defeats the 'purpose' doesn't it.

So many things. My aunt, I've written of her before, is terminally ill.
I sit here and wallow in my emotional pain and feel so angry at myself
for doing so. She is the one who is dying, slowly losing control of her
own body. I get so frustrated that I am not there to help her. I live
a 7hr drive away. I'm not real impressed with the way the rest of the
family is handling things. I have to constantly remind myself that we
are all in a new situation and we are all learning together. But still,
I think and think, how can I make it possible to be there for her as
much as I want to.

I question my purpose in this situation. I saw her in September. We
went to dinner and we got to laughing and my uncle said how she hadn't
laughed like that in months. Instantly I know that she needs me here,
if nothing else just to make her laugh. I stayed a week and then had to
make the long drive home. She said " Can't you just stay and be my
girl" Oh man talk about rip out my heart. If I knew how to pull it off,
I'd do it in a second. I just can't see how, I turn it over and over
and nothing.

She told me after I became a believer that she spent many hours on her
knees for me and that her prayers had been answered. That means so much
to me. I gave her so much hell when I was a teenager and she loved me
all through it. She saved my life. I think one of the purposes of this
trial is to get me on my knees. I want to do that for her, pray. Maybe
that's all I can do, pray for her.

Do you have something about yourself that causes you to feel frustrated
and embarrassed? Something that people can't see just by looking at you
or knowing you? Something that you know you need help with but you can't
get over the shame enough to ask anyone to help you?

I have something. And as with all things that are painful we sometimes
feel alone. We feel like there is no one on God's green earth that has
felt or is feeling the way we do. And we are wrong. There is always
someone. There is someone else who feels the same pain, hurt, shame.

I came across an article in a magazine this morning that let me see that
there are other people dealing with my same issue. The magazine is
MARIE CLAIRE/AUG 2007 and the article is titled "I Grew up in This
Mess".

I don't usually read this magazine but I was bored and it was there.
The article describes a home with stacks of paper and unopened mail.
Stuff piled everywhere, broken unusable, unused. Dishes not done,
bathrooms not cleaned. This is not so bad you say. I don't mean the
normal clutter, a dish or two in the sink or slight build up of soap
scum on the tub.

I started to describe my house, my mess, my shame and I can't do it.

You can get an idea if you read the article. My house isn't quite as
bad as the ones in the article. The problem is described by doctors as
"hoarding". Experts believe that 2 to 3 million people suffer from this
syndrome. Last year a group was founded called Children of Hoarders
(childrenofhoarders.com). I plan on checking out the web site later
tonight when I get home.

My friend K would say " What's the big deal, just clean it up ". I wish
it was that easy. I thought that this problem was part of my bipolar
disorder and maybe it is, I don't know. All I know is I am not alone in
my feelings. I hope this web site has some answers.

Post from email

Mood Check

Doing well today. I've been working nights the last few. This is my
last one this set. Then I have three days off and then I go back to a
day set. For the last week I have been very diligent at taking my meds
on time and getting enough sleep. I feel energetic but not wired and my
appetite seems to have come back. The next couple of days it will be a
challenge to swap over to my day schedule.

This is my last night (Monday) and I go home in the morning at 0600
(Tuesday). I have to go to bed Tuesday morning but I can't take my
sleep meds because I have to take them when I go to bed Tuesday night.
The hard part is making myself go to bed at a decent hour on Tuesday
night so I can get up at a decent hour on Wednesday so I can sleep
Wednesday night and by Friday I should be all swapped over.

Then I work Fri, Sat, Sun days. Off Monday. Then start nights again on
Tuesday night. Got that?

It's a hard schedule. Hard on the body and hard on families. We spend
more time with each other than with our spouses and children. I am
blessed to be able to say that I really do enjoy my job and I enjoy the
folks that I work with.

I thought my symptoms were easing off. I felt good enough to actually attempt to do something around the house. I haven't been doing much but sleeping and watching TV.

I thought I might clean my ceiling fan and change the light bulbs. Two of the bulbs don't come out but I got the other two. The whole light fixture was loose and I tried to tighten it but I couldn't.

I was on a step ladder vacuuming the paddles of the fan and the vac attachment kept coming off. I've used it many times before so I don't know what I was doing wrong. At this point I'm getting extremely frustrated. So I get ...

Any way the damn light fixture comes loose and drops fast about 8 inches towards my face and stops at the end of it's wires. This totally freaks me out.

I'm not sure of the exact order of the next events. I had to get my big ladder so I could reach the housing that the fixture screws into. At some point I yelled to get out some frustration and it turned into a long and somewhat uncontrolled scream.

I tried fixing the light and it fell back down at me, twice. I climbed from the ladder and had an anxiety attack. I beat my sofa with a hose extension from my vacuum. And settled into some hysterical crying. I hate being out of control and the thought of not being able to fix this without help was really pissing me off and making feel weak.

I sent my son off for the week so I could deal with my manic/PMS symptoms alone, I think I scare him sometimes and it's not really fair for him to have to take care of me every time I get paranoid and what not.

I was able to get him and his friend to come over and fix it yesterday and it was good to have the kids around for a little while.

Now it's 1am. The TVs on. No housework is done. I'm still paranoid, anxious, freaked out and afraid I'm going manic.

I see my doc on Monday. I'm afraid she's going to make me take a leave of absence from work.

The last few weeks or so:

The first thing I can think of that may have set me off is the change from Ambien to the generic

Premenstrual or Bipolar or Both

The last two weeks have been a struggle. I thought I was heading towards a full blown manic episode. I have been panicky, paranoid, unable to sleep even with a sedative. I have been hypersensitive to noise, touch and light. I have been having PTSD related flashbacks and sensations from a very traumatic experience. Just all in all a struggle.

The above symptoms and the change to a generic version of ambien made me think manic but last night my breasts were really tender and this morning I started my menses. Now I feel a whole lot better, not 100%, but better.

The problem is that before and during these last two weeks so many things have changed and I don't know what has affected what.

The one thing a bipolar person should do, besides have a regular sleep pattern, is keep a mood diary and/or chart. That way when this sort of thing happens you can have a full picture of what's going on and can learn what works and what doesn't.

I haven't been doing the diary/chart and all I can do is start now with my most recent symptoms.

Hence the new direction of the blog. This is going to be my mood diary.

21 pounds and counting

It's been about 5 months since my last post. Life is moving along okay. My bipolar is at a steady state, neither depressed or manic. Some good things happening in my life. I posted before about trying to lose weight. Well I've lost 21 lbs since December.

It seems there are a lot of us at work who are trying to lose weight. There is one chica on LA Weight Loss, another on Jenny Craig. Then we have a couple of guys doing Body For Life.

I couldn't bring myself to pay anyone to tell me what I already know and I know that a program is something I wouldn't follow through on.

We are all succeeding at our different methods and it's good to have encouragement from your friends.

I changed a couple of things and those changes have caused other changes.

• I'm taking small bites. I noticed that I was taking huge bites when I ate. It's like "how much food can I fit in my mouth at one time."
• I'm chewing my food very thoroughly. That was a challenge, when I started paying attention I found I was doing this "chew, chew, swallow, chew, chew, swallow". It was work to stop that reflexive action but now I chew until there is nothing left to chew.
• I stop eating when my body tells me to. There is a deep breath that happens automatically when your body is satisfied. I do best when I stop at that breath. If you have never noticed it, pay attention you might be surprised.
• It's crazy how much I was eating. I now know the proper portions my body needs and I eat only that much. I'm not hungry or starving. I'm satisfied and content. I'm not bloated and I don't feel sluggish all the time.
• I eat more often. Every three hours or so. Three main meals and snacks in between. This happened naturally. I don't count calories and I eat what I want. I found those little single serving packs of cookies or crackers or fruit to be very helpful in portion control. And if I put to much food on my plate I eat what I want and I throw the rest away. Boy that was hard at first.

A lot of this is mental. I had to get over throwing away food. I waste less now that I know how much I need. It's not wrong to throw away the excess. Better in the trash than in your body causing you illness and pain. I also started buying single serving things. Some of these things are expensive at first glance but in the long run they are not. It keeps me from having to throw away excess while helping me with portion control. Most things are very portable and make it easier to eat what you want when you want it and not go hungry while your away from home.

With all that said it's time for me to have a snack. I'm thinking some grapes will hit the spot.