Last night I had a dream that I was running. I wasn’t running from anything or to anything. I was just running at a comfortable and steady pace. I felt good and relaxed and free.

I’m not sure why I dream this dream. Sometimes I’m running in the countryside sometimes the city or a small town it’s never the same place twice. I use to have flying dreams and I always felt free then too. Now I just run and run to nowhere.

It’s strange because I am not and have never been an athletic person. I took up running once for a short time with the ladies at work. I only got ‘runners high’ once. Those endorphins kicked in and I felt like I could run forever. I didn’t want to stop because I knew as soon as I did stop that I wouldn’t be able to get going again and I’d feel the pain of my shin splints. I never could run without getting that awful pain in my shins so I guess that’s the reason I stopped running.

What is also strange is that I’m not fat in the running dreams or any of my dreams for that matter. I have been overweight since my late twenties (I’m forty now) and never once have I been fat in a dream. I have dreams sometimes where I am with one my ex’s and then there are one or two other sexy women that he turns his attention to, and as bad as I feel about myself at those moments I still look good. I would think that I would picture myself unattractive in those dreams but I don’t. Weird.

I said at the start that when my mania was treated that I wouldn't be motivated to write. It hate that I'm not motivated 'cause I still have things rolling around in my head that want t0 be said. It's not that I don't want to write, I just don't write. While I was in my mania when an idea popped into my head I had to write it down at that moment so I could blog it later. Now, I think something and I think, I should write that down. I just don't.

Back to work finally. Put in 36 hours of overtime over the weekend. Glad to be back.

www.phrenology.org

Phrenology is an interesting subject. The real scientific Phrenology, which established a direct link between the morphology of the skull and the human character, was discovered by the Austrian physician Franz Josef GALL (1758-1828). Gall put the foundations for an anatomic caracteriology. He was one of the first to consider the brain as the home of all mental activities.

One of the claims of phrenology is that the area down and behind the ears is associated with physical desire. If the area is larger the physical desire is larger. It’s weird but I noticed that while I’m pretty much always desirous of physical love, sometimes when I’m premenstrual I’m downright horny and insatiable and at those times that place behind my ears actually swells uncomfortably.

I came across the phrenology stuff looking for some hormonal reason for the swelling and accompanying increase in desire. Neat the stuff you can find on the internet.

www.phrenology.org

One of the things I like about being manic is I’m more creative and can stay motivated. Now instead of eight to ten hours on the computer I’m back to the same amount of time in front of the television. I have all these ideas and thoughts and absolutely no motivation. I’m at that point in my period that everyone around me annoys me just by breathing. I love the kids but damn they get on my nerves. They think they know everything and I don’t know anything. They just get on my nerves.

I do feel positive about my appointment with the shrink yesterday. Aside from all the frustrations yesterday I did do well at the all day inquisition.

I need a new profession. I’m thinking of computer programming. I’ve studied a little and I’m sure I would be good at it. I wouldn’t mind a job at home as long as the kids were not here to get on my last nerve.

Only a few minutes and I’ve lost interest, maybe tomorrow.

I was in downtown Houston yesterday and while I was getting lost I thought I saw my brother. I’m not sure I mentioned him before. He and his wife stayed with me a few years back. He has schizoaffective disorder. Schizoaffective disorder presents with both schizophrenia and bipolar disorder symptoms. While at my place he was self medicating for his hallucinations. I lost touch when they moved out. I got a call later that his wife was on a crime spree with some guy and they had my brothers SS and DL. I was at a traffic light trying to get my bearings and I saw this guy crossing the street. He looked like my brother but with a beard and a hat on. He was carrying the same bags I saw my brother with, a green army duffle and a blue duffle. He was shuffling across the intersection, muttering to himself and making hand gestures. I was staring at him and I think he saw me because he made a strange hand motion at me. He looked absent and I couldn’t tell if he knew me or not. I couldn’t do anything but go to my appointment. I asked the doctor if there was a way I might be able to track him down if he was homeless. She said that the longer he’s not treated, the less affective that treatment could be. I hate that he may be down there with no one to help him, he may not even know who he is now.

darn spellcheak aint workin

Hey, just thought I'd drop in and say hi. Feeling pretty okay. I have a visit with the company shrink on Friday. It's one of those all day affairs and of course it has to be in downtown Houston. No problem I'm totally prepared with a map from google earth, well several maps from my house to the door of the office building, close ups, well more like satallite photographs with the route traced out in purple or is it yellow? I don't remember at this moment. But I'll get there and I'll be there all damn day and then I'll go home and wait to get the call to go back to work.

I wondered today if I'll have to take the physical to be released to work. Usually when someone is off work for a length of time they have to take the physical, I think it's 30 days. I'm not sure I can pass it now. I might pass it but I'll hurt something fierce the next day.

I pretty much hurt most of the time these days. Different things from day to day. Some days it's my back, then it's my wrist, blah , blah etc ad nauseum. I'm not trying to complain just establish a baseline of behaviors and sypmtoms.

I'm 5'1'' tall and weigh in over 220. It might be hard to believe but sharing this personal information is harder then some of the things I have already shared. Sharing those other things really helped me deal with pain of them and I thought that maybe sharing this journey might help me too. So again as I stated in the very begining, It's all about me.

I get winded getting dressed, I hurt when I mop, wash dishes and everything else. Hell, sleeping hurts. I wasn't very active to start with and now I'm not active at all. I eat too much and not very healthy food. I think that establishes the baseline.

I'm not starting this paticular journey for the first time. As with most women or overweight people we have started this journey time after time after time. We have starved ourselves, ate only this and never that. Bought the exercise videos. Lost 10, 20 or more and gained back 20, 30 or more. I have a great collection of videos and DVD's. Tai Chi, Kickboxing, Step, Yoga, Pilates, Kung Fu Step(my personal favorite), I had belly dancing but I gave that to a friend. I have all these things that say Beginner on them, that's crap, it really means if you are already an athelete and you have never done that paticular exercise before.

Anyway I have started by buying real groceries and not eating fast food every night. I am working to reduce my portions. Next in the food department is to cook more healthy food. Not the butter soaked chicken I baked tonight or the smothered pork chops with rice. One step at a time right.

Next, in the exercise department I was trying to think of the best thing to start with that wouldn't be overdoing it. I tried the Walk Away the Pounds and it was too much. I tried Sit and be Fit from PBS and it was too much. So what can be easier than Sit and be Fit? Aquatic Therapy! I'm going to the doctor tomorrow to see if she can precribe the therapy for me.

The start of a new journey, I invite you to come along for the ride.

Kimberley's Spicy Lasagne

This recipe is for the cook who likes to experiment and doesn't need exact amounts for everything. I start with the recipe on the box of noodles and work from there. So here it goes.

1lb of meat- it can be ground whatever or 1pk of Italian sauage(sweet, mild, or hot) I like hot.
3 cups spaghetti sauce-about a 28 ounce jar or 1 can Hunt's spaghetti sauce, I like Hunt's
1 can Rotel tomatoes (optional)
1 1/2 cups water if using uncooked noodles. (It's a royal pain to cook them first)
1 - 15 ounce container of ricotta cheese. Small curd cottage cheese works too but it's not as good.
2 cups (8 ounces) shredded mozzarella cheese
1/2 cup grated Parmesan cheese (I like the grated Parmesan and Romano blend)
2 eggs
1/4 cup chopped fresh parsley (I hardly ever use it)
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/4 teaspoon pepper
9 pieces( 8 ounces of noodles)

Heat oven to 350 F. In a 3qt sauce pan, brown the meat;drain(okay here is where you get creative, If you are using plain ground beef, chicken...etc then spice up the meat. I saute some fresh chopped onion, finely chopped fresh garlic, maybe some green peppers(red and orange peppers are sweeter and taste great)just go crazy, whatever you like. When using spicy Italian sausage I don't add anything to it.

After the meat is drained add the spaghetti sauce to the meat. If you are not going to cook the noodles first then add the 1 1/2 cups water to the sauce. At this point I would add the rotel tomatoes and let the sauce simmer for awhile, 10 minutes minimum but the longer the better. When taste testing the sauce use a piece of French bread, it will give you a better idea of the flavor then tasting off the spoon. If you have time, prepare the sauce the day before, spaghetti sauce always tastes better the next day. If you want more spice, crushed red pepper is a good addition. Any Italian spice blend is always a good choice to add flavor.

Okay the filling is next. In a bowl stir together the ricotta, half the mozzarella, Parmesan(and Romano) cheese, the parsley, eggs and the salt and pepper.

Putting it all together: Pour about 1 cup of sauce on the bottom of a 13x9 inch baking dish. Arrange 3 UNCOOKED noodles lengthwise over the sauce; cover with about 1 cup sauce. Spread one-half the cheese filling over the sauce. Repeat layers of lasagne, sauce and cheese filling. Top with a layer of lasagne and remaining sauce; sprinkle with remaining mozzarella cheese. Cover with foil. Bake for 45 minutes. Remove foil; bake 15 minutes more. Let stand 10 minutes before serving. Adjust the times as needed to make sure the noodles get done. The box says this serves 10-12, but not in my house.

I've reduced everything and made a lovely small lasagne in a bread pan. Perfect for a couple with some leftovers.

I made a tasty vegetarian version by omitting the meat and using onions, garlic, yellow squash, zucchini and green, yellow and red peppers in the sauce. Also rotel tomatoes. I'm told mushrooms are a good addition(yuck). This is where spices are key, so go for it.

Well, I hope you try it and love it. Play with it and have fun. Have it with Garlic bread and a colorful salad and you're set.

Life in a hick town

You know you're in a hick town when you go into the police station to turn yourself in for warrants and they tell you to come back tomorrow because the guy who handles warrants isn't in today.

lol it happened

Please check out my photo blog - the link is Kame's Photos

My Aunt, My Angel

I first met my aunt Gaye when I was almost thirteen. My mother was dying of cancer and when all this family started showing up out of nowhere, there she was. I knew mom's other two sisters, my brother and I had spent summers at their houses with our cousins. I didn't even know aunt Gaye existed, mom had never mentioned her.

The first thing she did is take my brother and I away from the craziness for a little while. She had this big van and my cousins, my brother and myself went on a road trip to the Alamo. It was a fun time.

I didn't see my aunt after that until I ran away from home. My aunt was the daughter of my grandpas late wife from her first marriage and he disliked my aunt intensely for that.

I was a sophmore when I ran away. I was living in Oklahoma with my grandpa and his second wife. There was always contention in the house, my grandpa and his wife only stayed together because I lived there. I took off with two guys I didn't know, thinking they were taking me to California to find my birth dad. Imagine my surprise when I ended up at a stippers house in Iowa in the middle of the night. I stayed with that lady for two months before I called the runaway hotline. I said I would come home if my grandpa let me talk to my dad. I was able to talk to my dad's parents and that was close enough for the moment. I'm not sure how it came about but my aunt Gaye drove from the Rio Grande Valley to Iowa to pick me up, she said she got her first speeding ticket ever on that trip. She took me back to the Valley to finish off the school year. For reasons I don't want to share right now I chose to go back to my grandparents for my junior year.

I got pregnant that year, I was 16. I ended up at my dad's, a person I had never even laid eyes on. I finished out my junior year, had my son and stalled out. I'm not even sure how many months my son was when my postpartum depression kicked in, maybe 4 or 5, I'm not really sure. I remember a moment when my son was crying and crying, he was sitting in his car seat. I couldn't get him to be quiet, I changed him, I tried to feed him and he wouldn't eat. I snapped and started screaming at him I felt this rage building up inside me. I threw the glass baby bottle against the wall behind him and it shattered. Glass flew everywhere and I stopped suddenly and wondered what the hell was I doing. I checked my son for glass and he didn't catch any, but I was freaked out that I could feel that way, so much rage directed at my son and I was afraid I might hurt him.

Back to my aunt Gaye. I visited her with my son, I think it was Christmas. I told her that I thought that I should give my son up for adoption before I really hurt him. She and Pop(my uncle) decided to take guardianship of him and I was spared the thought that I might never see my son again.

I went to back Cali and then for reasons I don't remember I ended up back in the Valley at my aunts place. It was heart breaking, she said I could stay there but I had to stay in the trailer out back. My son was calling her mom and I was introduced to him as mother. Oh it hurt so bad to hear him calling her mom. Again for reasons I can't remember I ended up back in Cali, I was probably misbehaving. I think that was the time I was having sex with most of my coworkers at Wendy's.

I missed my son and shortly after moving back to Cali I asked for him back. I know now how painful that must have for my aunt. She gave him back and everyone else there hated me for it. I think my son had recently turned two.

Between age 2 and the start of kindergarten my son was put through all my mistakes. Drugs, violent boyfriend, living in a homeless shelter, moving around from house to house and wearing out my welcome. My aunt my angel aunt came to visit us and she found me "looking like death" she said. She told me I could come home but...I had to clean up my act. She said she would put me through school and I wouldn't have to work, all I had to do was focus on school. I did that and got a great job after graduation that I have had now for 16 years.

In 1995 I was baptised to the Mormon church. A lot of people have trouble with non-member relatives, some even get disowned by their parents and siblings. I wasn't sure how my family would take it but everyone was great. My aunt told some traveling buddies of hers of my conversion and they had negative things to say but she told them " I don't care what people say, that girl has found Jesus". She told she had been on her knees for me for a long time. I didn't know what to say, to know that she was praying on my behalf means everything to me.

It doesn't end there. When my son was fourteen I was in a bad marriage. My son and my husband had an explosive relationship and my son went to my aunt's to live. He didn't come home until after he graduated high school and my aunt wouldn't put up with his bull anymore. And even now, while she is sick and doesn't know whats wrong, she sends my son money for college.

She has been so much more than an aunt to me. She has been my mother, my confidant, my savior. I hearby nominate her for sainthood.

I deleted some blog entries

I deleted some entries today. Mostly the ones about the traumatic experiences in my life. The main goal of this blog was to express those experiences and hopefully get some healing from that. I believe that goal has been met.

I never imagined all the positive feedback I would get. I wonder if it was the the experiences themselves or the way I wrote them. I thought I might try my hand at some fiction.

I left most of the bipolar updates for both my coworkers and those who might be helped with their own illness or that of a family member.

And I left the spiritual stuff because when I read it again it lifts me up.

I think I want to add recipe's and some photo's that I've taken and I still need to write about my aunt who has been my angel. Oh yeah and why the turtle means so much to me.

Check it out I'm in the news

http://www.mg.co.za/articlePage.aspx?articleid=280760&area=/breaking_news/other_news/

It's an article about sho()ot my blog and my picture is mentioned and my blog too. So cool.

8/10 doc update

Well doc gave the greenlight to go to work on Monday but I figured I'd have to jump through some kind of hoop. I wasn't wrong, the human resources rep from the plant called and said I have to be evaluated by the company shrink but the earliest she can see me is Sept. 1st.. So at least 3 more weeks of no shift differential or overtime pay. I also got turned down for a loan from my bank. I need it to get caught up on my mortgage and medical bills, here's the kicker I got turned down because I'm behind on my mortgage. I do have the opportunity to appeal so I'm gonna do that.

Funny before the HR rep called I was thinking of the things I could have done while I was off like get a tan or loose a few lbs. So look out, when I get back you won't even recognize me.

I wonder what I'll be like when I'm 80

A pretty good day Monday. I got a lot of errands run without feeling all stressed. Got blood drawn for Li levels and saw my therapist. Talked about Friday and the weekend. I see my psychiatrist on Wednesday. I hope she lets me go back to work. I think I'm ready now.

I asked my therapist how do I know which me is the real me. I sometimes feel like I have multiple personalities. When my chemistry gets out of whack I feel like I'm on the outside watching myself do things I don't want to do. The last few days though I've felt more in control than I have the last couple of months. I feel confidant I am leveling out now.

I'm trying to remember how I was when I was a kid. One family member says I was mean, one says I was hyper. I have a report card that says I'm shy and don't work to my full potential. My brother says when excitement of some kind would happen that I'd go hide. I do remember in Junior High that I lied a lot. I was afraid to raise my hand and have the wrong answer and look stupid. I used to think that I was abnormal, but I've learned that I'm not. Now I'm not mean and I do my best to be honest. I don't have any problems asking questions or providing input. I do think that when stuff happens I still try to hide. I know I'm not stupid but I think sometimes I still work beneath my potential. I learned that I can make people laugh and I love that. I'm thinking that my greatest weakness right now is facing confrontation, I hate it. I always get overly emotional and defensive. So something to work on I guess. Oh and asking for help that just breaks my heart to have to do that. Another thing to work on.

So what's the conclusion? I'm just a regular person living an interesting life and learning as I go along. People change and grow over time. I wonder what I'll be like when I'm 80.

Fast Sunday

My day yesterday only got more interesting. I felt pretty good (normal? What is that?). I meant to go to bed early so I wouldn't be tired and talk myself out of going to church but I was still up at about midnight when the power went out in my neighborhood. I have plenty of flashlights and candles so I was good there. I went out and chatted with the neighbors and they didn't know anything about why the power was out. There was a strong-ish wind and some lightning but nothing that seemed major.

I unplugged everything in the house and turned off the AC. I sat on the couch and it was quiet. It was so quiet, no TV, no computers, no fridge, no fans, nothing. That kind of quiet is so loud, ya know? I didn't want to go to sleep, I was afraid I wouldn't wake up in time for church. So I'm lookin' at the cat, what do we do now? I saw my scriptures open over by the computer from earlier and was prompted to read. I got them, sat on the couch and started to read. At first I couldn't concentrate it was too quiet so I read aloud, it seemed so loud the sound of my voice in the silence. I just read at random, first picking some scriptures that have a lot of meaning for me and then just flipping through reading here and there. I think the power was out a little over an hour. I got the clock plugged in and prepared for bed. I knelt to thank my Heavenly Father for that day and felt his love so strong as to be overwhelming. He confirmed in my mind that I needed to be at church and share my testimony. I can't fully express the emotions of that experience.

It seemed to take forever for me to fall asleep but I did just in time for the alarm blah blah.

Sometimes when I go to church I get a little overwhelmed at how many people are there and I get a little anxious. I felt pretty good this morning, hugged and shook hands and smiled and said hi. I saw my ex husbands mother and we sat together and visited a bit.

The drill at church goes as follows. A member of the bishopric gets up and says a few words, we have an opening prayer by a member and we sing a hymn. The bishopric says a few more words and we sing the sacrament hymn and the sacrament is blessed and passed. Then on fast Sunday (the first Sunday of the month) the members are given the rest of the hour to stand and share their testimony if they wish to. I wish I could share them all with you. I can only say that there are no coincidences and that I know I was meant to be there to hear what I heard and to share my testimony as well. At the close of the meeting we sing another hymn and a closing prayer is offered by a member of the church.

I have to mention this because it was just to cute and because I can make a short story long if I want too. My friend Tammy has a little girl who has downs syndrome and she is just the most beautiful handful you ever saw. I was sitting a few rows back from them and when we were singing the hymns I could hear her sweet voice above the others, she had her own words and she followed the melody about a beat behind but it was still the sweetest song in the room. Who can be anxious?

shootmyblog.blogspot.com

This is very different site - I sent in a pic - check it out.

7/31 better day and user dreams

I talked to the doc today. Diagnosis 'acute lithium poisoning' in other words too much Lithium. This happened before but this time I didn't have tremors. She also doubled the seroquel so I'll sleep for sure and then I'll wake up in a drug induced stupor. I hate that. Oh well, if it makes me feel better in the end then it's worth it.

I was so wired last night it carried over into my dreams. I had what James Frey calls a 'user dream'. In my past life I used crystal meth and occasionally crank. In the dream I had about an eight ball of crank in this little baggie and I couldn't get all the air out of the bag. I didn't want to zip it closed with the air in it and have it pop open in my pocket. I don't know the place I was in, it seemed like an upscale office building, but I had this baggie in my hands and walking around trying to find someplace private so I could close the damn bag. I'm walking around looking like a person who's hiding something but I was so tweaked all I could think about was getting that damn bag closed. I even went to the bathroom cause I figured and empty stall right, wrong. The bathroom had open stalls and the one I went into had a couple making out in it. In 'user dreams' before I have actually snorted the drugs and felt the burn, tasted the bitterness in the back of my throat and felt the effects. I think that this time I was already so wired for real that I didn't need to actually use the drugs in my dream.

07-30

I feel off today. My face and hands have been sort of buzzy numb. I feel like I'm choking, like something is around my neck, it makes me gag. I have been ancy all day. I have to do something but when I do it's like a frenzy. I went out earlier and even though it was dark it was weirdly sharply bright, it reminded me of a time I was on acid. I made myself sit still and watch tv to try and calm down. I was ancy and ended up picking up a tablet so I could write, it is hardly legible. I'm going to see if the doc can see me tomorrow cause this is way messed up. Now I'm going to bed.

Just feeling blah

I just don't even know how I feel today. I know I don't like that seroquel my doctor gave me. Sure it makes me sleep. I slept 12 or 13 hours last night and I just feel blah. Last week or so I have been sleeping about 8 hours, so it's not like I wasn't sleeping I guess I wasn't sleeping deep enough or something. Even though I slept late I was still here as soon as I woke up. I have been adding music to my mp3 player all day. It's bothering me that it is still playing mostly songs I already had on there, it's suppose to be random and I want it to play some of the newer songs.

I'm trying to get my son to let me put some of his poetry on here. His stuff is so full of feeling. He didn't say I couldn't he just said he doesn't know where they are. He said he has a blog maybe he will let me link to it.

I couldn't resist taking a pic of my babies last night. They just looked so cute.

My heart just isn't in it today.

These are my babies: Creeper and Isis

A spiritual experience - Orlando Florida Temple

It may not show sometimes but I have a spirituality deep inside me. I have wanted to share some of my spiritual experiences. This one is very meaningful to me and I use the memory and the feelings it brings to remind me of who I am.

The company bought an FT-IR , which is really cool. It was my job to get it installed, do some method development, get it calibrated and ready to run. We have a great technical department at one of our other facilities and I took full advantage of it, soaking up all the info I could. I came to point where I needed some more technical information pertaining directly to the instrument and it's funtions, particularly macro writing to simplify the actual testing, that way the ananlyst had only to press a button and the test would run and show the results. Wondermus.

The vendor offered a class in Orlando, Florida and the company sent me. I was already having issues with being in public and kept pretty much to myself when not in class. The other students went off doing the usual thing one does in Orlando. I knew there was a Temple in Orlando and decided I would override my fears and take a chance. I got directions, verified the directions, rented a car and verified the directions. The rental car folks came and got me and took me to the rental place. I filled out the paperwork and verified the directions.

It really was simple, something like go to this light make a left keep going till you run into it. Easy right? Unless your me feeling like the world is squeezing the breath out of you. So , drive, light, turn left, keep on going. This was a main street through town with so many buildings and I had no idea what the Temple looked like. I went as slow as I could within the limit, you know like some jerk in front of you does sometimes. I look right, a church, beautiful stained glass and not the Temple. I look left, a church, beautiful architecture and not the Temple. All along this street, huge churches. I feel the spirit but none of them is the Temple.

The buildings begin to thin out and now I'm wondering if I missed it. The road starts to rise in a slow hill. I'm feeling it now. My heart, my chest burns. I can't help it, I start to cry, I haven't even seen it yet but I know it's there. Over the rise, it's dark now and I see the lights. Down the rise, I see it, the Orlando Temple. I'm crying so hard now I can hardly drive. It's is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I'm thinking, how can anyone look at this and not know that it is the House of the Lord. How?

I park the car, go inside. I am crying so hard I'm trying not to hyperventilate. The Temple matrons come to me asking if I'm okay. Oh yeah I'm okay. I sit, gather my thoughts and try to calm down. I want to do a session but the last one just started. There is other work to do and the matrons lead me to where I need to go. My heart burns, I feel the spirit so strong, stronger than I ever have. As the work is done I'm crying, I have the Temple workers crying the other sisters there are crying. It's getting late now and the Temple workers are saying we have to wrap it up. It's the last one. Oh that feeling when you feel acceptance, and you know the work you have done is not in vain. One of the Temple workers lays her hand on my arm and says "I feel that you will serve in the Temple someday". Oh the joy I felt, to have the blessing of serving in the Temple in my future.

Oh the joy doesn't even come close to the feelings I had while I was in the House of the Lord. This memory reminds me that I am a Child of God and that I have work to do.

I tried to upload a pic of the Orlando Temple but had some difficulties. I'll work on that. If you want to see the Orlando Temple and the other LDS Temples you can get to them from the link I added to your right.

Doc update

My mind is too fast today. I have spent all day, except for when I went to the doctor(s), messing with this new MP3 player you will find on your right. I think it's all good now, at least all the songs are playing on my computer.

Well according to both my docs I'm still too hypomanic. I guess spending up to 10 hours on the computer and not being able to sleep even with sleeping pills qualifies. And the 90 mile an hour talking and changing subjects might have had something to do with it. I don't know, I just feel comfortable here at my computer, whether I am reading or writing or trying to figure something out. When I get up I get restless, I can't even sit still for TV, and before you couldn't get me up from the couch.

So far doc has upped my Lamictal, stopped the Welbutrin(thank goodness), added a sleep aid to my nightly cocktail and upped my lithium. I hope I even out soon.

I hope you enjoy the music. I picked a variety so if you don't like what's on just click away and find something you do like. Most of these songs have some sentimental value to me and others are just beautiful pieces of music.

Okay well my brain is mush, I have to take my pork chops from the oven(yum yum) and settle down for my Monday night programming. Oh did I mention I'm a great cook, I'll have to share my lasagna recipe with you sometime.

I have added a link and fixed one

Check out the link to rocknfish.com. I was cruisin' the web for a poem I use to have and came across this beautiful turtle sculpture by John Warren. I got his permission to link to the sculpture so take a peek and tour the rest of the site, he is very talented.

I didn't realize the link to my cousins camp wasn't working. Now it is.

And now for something completely different

I can't tell a joke to save my life. I just ruin it from the get go, so I don't tell em'.

So here is a story. So far only 2 people think it's funny, that is me and my very funny coworker,R, who picks on me all the time.

Anyhow I'm at work sitting at my station entering data or something and two coworkers, K and G, are standing by me having a conversation that I'm kinda half way listening to. G says " My brother is a lineman". I perked up and said "for the county?" He looked at me like I was stupid and said "no not for the county". K was looking lost as well. So I just tee heed to myself.

Cut to the kitchen not long after. There is a handful of people in there doing the lunch thing and I'm sittin' there. R sits across from me. G is over talking to someone about his brother again and says "My brother is a lineman" and R not missing a beat pipes up and says "For the county?" I just about fell out of my chair. I said laughing and barely breathing " I just said that." There we are just the two of us laughing our asses off in front of a room of very confused people.

Now if you don't get it, tooooo bad.

We still laugh about it. At 3am on night shift R will IM me "My brother is a lineman" and I'll IM him back "For the county?" And we just laugh and creep everybody out, I love it.

It's me again , ha

Most assuredly too umm motivated. I just rediscovered an album I love, have not listened to it in years. I love musicmatch.

Tori Amos - Little Earthquakes / her lyrics are profound, her voice is lovely and her piano divine

hey ya'll

I feel so motivated today. I got up early to work on my finances. They really suck, I did my manic shopping and didn't pay my house note. On top of that I have tons of medical bills for myself and my son. I forgot it's Saturday and I've been trying to call people all morning to make arrangements to take care of everything. I finally realized it was Saturday and I wasn't going to get anybody on the phone. I didn't even get mad, not to much any way. lol

I decided to try a post that wasn't so freakin dark. I have my musicmatch open and listening to some tunes. One of my lady friends at work turned me on to Buckcherry especially the song 'Crazy Bitch', it's our theme song.(beware it is explicit). I also like their tune 'Next 2 You'

When I'm really pissed I jam to Limp Bizkit's 'Break Stuff'(very explicit).

Lets see, umm, I love Santana old stuff and new stuff. I like R&B old school and new school. I'm not a real fan of country but I did have an album by Lonestar. I like the country from the 70's. My parents always listened to a great variety of music. I love Bach, Mozart and Beethoven. I have a piano and I am self teaching when I take the time.

I had my metal days, Manowar, Iron Maiden, Megadeath you know the 80's. Oh Queensryche one of my all time favorites their old stuff not the newer stuff, I was listening to them before anyone even knew they existed.

Lets see, Styx loved 'em until Kilroy, that was bad and never got better.

I guess I just like most everything or some of everything anyhow. (make sense?)

I'm having this issue with my index, I want to show the title of all the posts. It's messed up,at least for me, that the beginning is at the end. I think some of it builds on each other and all the titles should always be there. I finally figured out that if you click on the oldest one on that page that the index then shows the previous posts, but that's confusing, at least to me but then I had been sitting at the computer all day, and I mean all day. okay subject over

Got Queensryche on, OMG Geoff Tate can freakin sing. He even screams on key. His range and stamina are incredible. Me and the boyfriend that I had when Queensryche came out use to put them on then get it on. Maybe that's why I'm getting aroused. ha ha

I think I'm way to chipper today. I hope it's genuine and not an escalation to worse mania. It sucks to feel good and not know if it's good good or bad good. arrggg

I think I'm hungry but I'm not sure. Well I guess I'm off to forage in the kitchen. I will probably, most definitely, maybe be back later.

My son graduates from high school - happy post

My son, my son. I love that kid. He is going to be twenty-three next month. But I never been more proud of him than when he graduated from high school. That kid of mine is so intelligent and can sing Base II like no tomorrow. He has gone through so much being bounced around between my angel of an aunt and myself and on top of that having learning disabilities.

Graduation. Brian, my son, graduated while living with my aunt. Brians' dad, brothers and grandparents came from out of state for the event. I hadn't seen his dad or his grandparents in years and it was my first time to meet his brothers. The older brother and Brian and his dad all look the same. The younger brother looks just like his mother.

The high school was huge and when we got there Brian ran off with the other choir students to prepare for the beginning of the ceremony. All in green they were, the kids on one side of the stadium and the families waiting proudly on the other side.

We had to wait for a lot of names, Brian's last name starts with R. It was the most wonderful thing I have ever seen, that kid got his diploma and strutted and I mean strutted down the aisle. He had his own little cheering section down from us hollering for him. I could hardly keep my eyes dry. At that moment I felt the presence of my mother and her pride in my son's accomplishment. I was amazed. I was so happy she was there.

Afterwards Brian and some of his friends came over and had a party in the little house. The adults just hung back and talked about how much we love our kids. It was a good time. It was a great day.

Doctor update from 7/19

Well, called psych after lunch on the 18th. I had gotten sent home from work. I wasn't ready to go back. I thought I could handle it and I really needed to be around some people and doing something besides obsessing over every little thing. I couldn't handle it, I was agitated to the extreme and was not under control of my emotions. I seem to remember telling someone to bite my ass but I can't remember who or why. I went form wanting to do bodily harm to someone to crying then feeling drained and starting all over again. I really wanted to make some curtains for my kitchen windows. I couldn't' get my step ladder to work right so I threw it across the room. But I did get it to work. I made all my measurements, got my sewing machine out and then discovered I didn't have as much material as I thought I did. I know that all sounds not so unusual. We all go through it. But I was so angry I was afraid to leave the house because if someone was to piss me off I might have to hurt someone and I don't want to do that, I felt like I had no control. You can't understand it if you haven't been here. Anyway, yesterday she adjusted my meds again, took away Welbutrin, she said that can cause the anger, violent reaction. I have to be off from work for a month and I go back to see her in three weeks.
Yesterday I couldn't find my stapler. I've only been awake for 15 minutes.

The moment I found God

I didn't find Him, He found me. It's 1995. I have a great job, a 3 bedroom brick house and all the sex I can get and if I'm not working I'm drunk or on my way to it. Actually I think at this time I may have slowed down because I was diagnosed with depression and the doctor had me on meds. I was feeling empty and lonely. I didn't just want sex I wanted a real relationship. I also felt like I had a spiritual component missing in my life. I had a history with Buddhism, my dad introduced me while I lived in Cali. It made me feel peaceful and calm but it's hard to always pray alone. The closest members were an hour away and I guess I just wasn't willing to go that far. I have Cherokee ancestors on both my father and my mother sides. I started reading books dealing with native american life, shamans and healers. It was one of these days when the missionaries came to my door.

The sister missionaries looked so sweet so innocent. I happened to have one of my shaman books in my hand. The one sister, Sister Hancock, asked me if I liked to read. I replied yes and showed her the book I was reading. She said that she had a book about the history of the native americans on this continent and asked if I would read it. I said sure and took the book and we made an appointment for them to come back over.

I read that book cover to cover and I cannot even explain what I felt. I had so many questions for the sisters. Usually the missionaries meet investigators in their home but I was so ashamed at the state of my house that they agreed to meet me at Dairy Queen. We had many discussions at Dairy Queen over the next few weeks. Every one answering a question I had in my heart. I felt like prayers I had never asked were being answered. One discussion dealing with premortal and mortal life and also with life after death I learned that I could be with my family for eternity. I felt a warmth in my chest and my eyes welled over, I can be with my mother again, I asked. They said yes and explained to me the principle more fully. I knew it was true. Sister Hancock was the best, not only did she teach me truths she testified of them. I think that more than anything was instrumental in my conversion.

Of course I had to pray about it and gain my own testimony. I prayed for days and nothing came, nothing I was absolutely sure of. I was having trouble with a "broken heart and a contrite spirit". I was on my knees thinking of this and thinking about my Savior. I flipped through my scriptures and there I found it, like it was written just for me. At that moment I knew it. I knew God loved me, I knew the things the missionaries taught me were true. I knew I would see my mother again and I knew I loved her still.

God knows me so well. Even in the way he sent the message, if he had sent guy missionaries I probably would have taken it as a personal challenge to seduce them.

Now I am what we call inactive or less active. I don't go to church very often. I miss it and the friends that I have there. I have to work 2 Sundays a month but I really have no excuse for the others. Today is Saturday maybe I'll go tomorrow. I know it's true, I feel it all the way to my soul.

Mama's Funeral

I think the final straw was at my mothers funeral. I was 12 going on 13. Up to this point I had been molested, I lost my birth dad, I lost my step dad, I lost Roy(mom's 4th husband), the dog we had had ever since I could remember was hit by the school bus and the replacement puppy was run over in the driveway by a drunken friend of my mother's. And then my mother suffered from cancer, it was horrible seeing her in the hospital with tubes that seemed to come from everywhere. She was in a coma. The funeral was the worst. It was a pretty day in June with folks sitting on fold out chairs. I never saw so many flowers, I thought she must have been really loved, I didn't even know she knew so many people. The coffin was open and we had to walk past and look at her. Why? I got so angry. These people were trying to say that this was my mother. This was not my mother, it may have looked something like her but it was not her. This was an empty shell with nothing inside. I felt so numb.

What I remember next is sitting in the front row next to Dale of all people. He was her husband at the time of her death. He had no love for me or my brother. I don't know exactly what triggered it but all of the sudden I was overcome I could feel it all coming up. I made the mistake of leaning to Dale for comfort. He jerked away and I cut it off, I stopped all the emotion right there. My doc says that was a turning point. I shut off from the pain, the world and from God. I blamed him for all if it.

Mom never showed any religious preference. We never went to church. I found out years later after I joined the Mormon church that she had also joined sometimes in the '70's when we lived on the naval base.

Yesterday 7/14

I was hoping to feel better by yesterday. I went shopping in the afternoon to get the kids some groceries for there stay at one of the other kids house. It might be easier to put some names with the kids. My kid is Brian the other two are Patrick and Thomas. They are staying at Toms while his parents are on vacation. I know I say kids but they are 22,23,24. Anyhow I went shopping and I started feeling really freaky. I get this really wiry feeling. I have a few things I am compulsive about buying. Office products like pens, notebooks, sticky note pads. Electronics like stuff for my computers or camera. Purses I really buzz out on purses. DVD's, clothes.

I actually didn't do as bad as I usually do. I left out of Walmart with a portable USB wireless mouse for my lap top. Two USB hubs, one for my desktop and one for my lap top. A monitor stand that was made for a flat monitor but I didn't notice that until I was unpacking it so I have my lap on it. I also got a marker/magnet board and markers, eraser and board cleaner and of course magnets. I bought some t-shirts, 3 for me and 2 for my kid. I also got a denim shirt for me. I didn't go anywhere near the purses. I had just bought about 25 pens and a notebook a few days ago so I didn't feel the compulsion to buy any more.

Maybe that doesn't sound so bad, but I don't need any of these things and I am behind on my bills. I felt nauseas and like I might have a panic attack. I couldn't control it, I really wanted to leave but I had not even gotten the kids their groceries. I thought I was going be sick. And what topped it off was that as I walked the long way to my car there were several employees just sort of wandering around trying to look busy and not one of those punks offered to help me. Probably better that way if someone would have spoken to me I might have lost it. I cried all the way home and then I just felt drained, and I wanted to sleep.

I have to see my doc on Monday. I haven't had a shopping mania attack in a long time, over a year I'm sure. I hope I feel better, I need to get back to work.